How to Love in High School
by Reviews to Master
Summary: (Re-vamped!) He was the embodiment of sexy wrapped in loosely fitting black, and a terrible haircut. Too bad he wasn't gay. Sasunaru. (another)highschool!AU.
1. Chapter 1

**How to Love in High School**

**Summary: (Re-vamped!) He was the embodiment of sexy wrapped in loosely fitting black, and a terrible haircut. Too bad he wasn't gay. Sasunaru. (another)highschool!AU.**

**A/N: Greetings, ladies and gents to the revised version of **_**How to Love in High School**_**. It's bigger, badder, and gayer. Buckle your seatbelts. **

**Side note: Chapters are smaller for quicker updating and for less confusion. Bigger chapters throw my mental notes to shit.**

**Side-side note: I have been schooled. Thank you Guest.**

**Side-side-side note: Constructive criticism is appreciated. **

**Remember, I like your ass. **

**Chapter 1: Sexy**

He was the embodiment of sexy wrapped in loosely fitting black, and a terrible haircut. Skin and bones and a miserable frown with ugly bags under dark eyes, and a slouch that put a camel to shame. Shoulders pointy, sharp enough to cut paper, sagged and drooped, and limp arms swung like broken pendulums back and forth, back and forth, rhythmically, mesmerizingly. A mean look in those eyes, darker than black, practically gave off the kind of aura that wilted flowers and made babies cry. A presence so mean, so awful, that people parted like the sea did with Noah, scared of the unearthly power. It was horrible, the kind of energy this guy was emitting, the kind that should've pissed him off, but it did nothing to put off the funny feelings in his stomach. It was like there was a rave going on, and he wasn't invited to the party.

Tall, scrawny as a stick, legs that went for miles, hands good enough to put on an advertisement, that prominent kind of nose poets praised, and thin lips that looked just as pale as the rest of him taunted him. He couldn't even get mad at the failure of a hair style that the guy _thought_ looked good. What did he think he was? Japanese? How the hell did he even get it to stay like that? The amount of hair gel and spray should be pinning him to the ground, not looking light and fluffy and silky like the movie stars.

The bad thing was it looked good on him, in that weird kind of way. Like, only _he_ was able to pull it off and _not_ look like ridiculous. It pissed him off, more so than the attitude, and that in itself pissed him off even more because there was no reason for him to_ be_ pissed off. So, he was stuck in some kind of _Twilight Zone_ cycle, over and over, nonstop. He was so pissed at being pissed, that he had to urge to march up to this prick and dump water over that stupid haircut. He was pretty sure if he did that some other universe will come crashing out. So much freaking hair gel! God, he shouldn't even be looking in such detail, the guy wasn't a statue, there was nothing to look at, nothing to admire, but there he was oogling a complete stranger.

From the moment the doors opened in that dramatic way – like the movies – with the blinding light giving that urethral glow, everyone in the room stopped what they were doing. Except, it was the school's hallway, in the morning, when everyone was getting their shit together before class started. Didn't help it was the first day and everyone was buzzing off of that new school year high. He would have laughed at the way everyone's head had turned, synchronized like those Olympic swimmers, and collectively gasp at the new kid. No one looked that different, that _foreign_, and looked good. Hell, no one looked that good on a regular day, like a super model, without even trying. And that was just it, the guy looked like he was forced out of bed, forced to go to school, and forced to spend his day doing something he obviously didn't like. It pissed him off even _more _that he was stuck like everyone else. Him, Naruto Uzumaki, school class clown who didn't give a shit what he did.

Now, he wasn't the kind of guy that if he saw an attractive dude, he wouldn't say that particular man wasn't good looking in fear of seeming "gay." He was confident enough in his own sexuality, which was straight, and that he could look at another dick and not feel a thing. He was pretty sure he liked boobs, being on the soccer team put you around a lot of testosterone, and the amount of dick shots he got was enough to fill three calendars.

So, basing it with four years of penis to back it up, Naruto was pretty straight on his sexual orientation (no pun intended). But seeing the new kid, all freaky sexy, made him think things that no straight man ever thought, and that scared the shit out of him. If he did swing that way, play for that team, preferred the hotdog over the bun, then this was like the icing on the metaphorical cake. This would be like a gift sent from heaven for the good work he has done. Too bad he wasn't gay. Not that he _was_ gay, just that if he _was_, he would thank the Lord every night.

The new kid walked past him, all miserable and whatnot, and barely noticed (or didn't care) all the people gawking at him. They all probably looked stupid, wide-eyed and gaping mouth – like fishes. A big joke and they were the punch line. Son of a bitch probably thought they were all unworthy of his time, the kind of "holier than thou" upturn of a pointy chin, that made him snap his mouth shut like a bear trap. His head still followed though, magnetized, and didn't look away until the guy turned the corner. He snapped back, like he was under a trance, and blinked a couple of times to wonder what the fuck happened. Took him a moment to feel the hand shaking his shoulder, shaking him out of his stupor, and the words process in his stalling brain.

"Naruto, did you see the new kid?"

He wanted to roll his eyes and scream, "no duh," but his tongue left his body an hour ago. Packed its bags and left heading to 'New Kidia,' ready for a fresh start. He heard it was nice there, all pale plains with a great view, but damn near impossible to get to.

"Holy shit, man. Did you see that _haircut_? What the hell died and crawled on his head?"

Naruto opened his mouth, and shook his head slowly. What did Kiba say? Something about a duck's butt? Fuck if he knew. He was busy trying to delete the pictures of the new kid flipping through his mind like an old movie. There was no way he'll be able to pass the day normally, his psyche jacked up, and it was all thanks to the bastard. He'll have to go home and reevaluate his life, ask himself why he was there, and jack off to women being rammed by sweaty dicks. Goddammit, was Iruka going to be home early today? He hoped not, his sexuality was on the verge of bursting into rainbows.

See? He was already sexually frustrated and on the verge of a teenage angst crisis.

"How much gel did he _use_?I could stick him to the side of a building like a post-it note."

"I could stick something else in him."

Kiba reeled back, confused, and cleaned out his ear. "What?"

"What?"

"I could have sworn you said…"

"What's his name?"

Kiba sneered and crossed his arms. "If I knew I wouldn't be asking, stupid."

Naruto grabbed his phone and checked the time: ten to seven. He had about five minutes to either a) find out the new kid's name, b) pull up some quick porn and masturbate in the gym locker room bathroom, or c) pour bleach through his ears. Options a and c kept popping up in his mind, a more than c, and that made it easier to choose as he headed for the janitor's closet. Kiba, catching up with a light jog, asked him what he was doing to which he replied with a grunt. There was no way he was going to survive this year, he was pretty sure the new kid was his age (look at that jaw), so the possibility of them being in the same class shot through the roof.

He saw the movies, he saw the shows, he read the books, knew the cliché high school romance and how it went. He would walk into the classroom, he would see the object of his affections, they would end up being in a project together, and then shit would just hit the ceiling. And not the dry kind of shit that you had to rip your asshole getting the turd out. He was talking about the nasty diarrhea from eating three days old chili, and splattering all over the place like paint.

So, to save himself from the sunset ending and hormonal tears, he would commit honorable suicide like the samurais did in the kung fu movies. He would be remembered as Naruto: The Nine Fox Ninja with the killer skills. The ceremony will be beautiful, he had faith in Kiba.

"Remember me fondly," Naruto muttered, grabbing the janitor door's doorknob and yanked it. Seeing it was locked and wouldn't budge unless he bodily rammed himself into it, Naruto inwardly sobbed in misery at his luck. He wasn't surprised, however, he was born with the worst kind of karma. Whatever he did in his past life must have been really terrible. He owed it to himself to be the nicest guy for the next because this was bullshit.

"Naruto, what're doing?"

Naruto, for good measure, pulled the knob once more to see if his luck changed. He would've screamed if Kiba was there, but his reputation preceded him, so instead he twitched, smiled and jabbed his thumb at the door.

"Want to show the new kid a warm welcome?"

And all he thought as he watched his friend smile the kind of smile that made him wonder if Kiba will go bald, was how bad this was going to bite him in the ass later.

"Aw, yeah. What're you planning?"

He faltered, not exactly knowing what to say (or think), and verbally puked the first thing in his mind. "Stink bomb?"

Kiba cackled evilly, the metaphorical thunder cracking in the background, and rubbed his hands together in that creepy stalker way. "Oh, _yes_. Naruto, you evil man. Already the first day and you're bringing out the big boys." It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

Naruto shrugged and smiled playing the cool and suave guy he was, but ripping his hair on the inside. What the fuck was he saying? Really, a _stink bomb_? The kind of shit that stuck _for days_, and wouldn't leave unless you skinned yourself? What the fuck was wrong with him? Was this some kind of punishment? Didn't boys pick on the girls they liked to get their attention? Someone please stop him before he dug himself deeper. He was never good under pressure. "Yeah, I guess I decided to do things differently today," and he chuckled because he had that kind of swag.

Kiba grinned and clapped him on the shoulder, eyes crinkled, fangs bared. "That's my man. For a second, I thought being seniors would make you a prissy bitch. I was prepared to bust out the rocking chair."

Naruto was ready to bust out the gun and pull the trigger. "Ha, ha, fuck you." And while that statement was entirely meant to insult, pertaining to Kiba, his mind put "fuck" and "new kid" in the same sentence mentally. And for that he wanted to grabbed the nearest pole and jab it up his ass. This was just not turning out to be his day, was it? But wait! The door was locked wasn't it? And he didn't have any paper clips on him, so he couldn't pick the door either. So, really, in the end he was saved by the one thing that he despised. The world worked in beautiful and strange ways sometimes. He jerked his head to the door and stuffed his hands in his pockets to fiddle with his house keys. "Too bad the door's locked, though. Maybe some other time?"

"You kidding?" Kiba laughed, fishing through his pockets, jingling the coins, keys, and wallet all stuffed in there. "To think I wouldn't come prepared on the first day of school?" And voila, Kiba pulled out a shiny new paper clip in its cheap glory. Naruto laughed loudly in what looked like good mirth, but really barely contained hysteria. Of all the people to have the one thing, the one thing that would ruin everything, the same guy who couldn't find his own ass if he wanted to, had it. Conflicted between throwing himself out the window, or taking that paper clip and swallowing it, Naruto grabbed the paper clip and shuffled close to the doorknob. He looked back and forth, Kiba casually looking for staff, and slid it in.

"Funny how you had this," Naruto whispered. "The same guy who couldn't even remember his pants."

Kiba huffed and crossed his arms smirking. "It's the small things that count." Which was a big lie because this "small thing" was digging him an early grave. Wasn't so small now, was it?

He snorted and pivoted the paper clip, twisting it here and there, waiting for the resounding click. If he was with anyone else he could have played it off saying the lock was too complicated to pick. It wasn't like the kids in here actually _knew_ how to decently (and quickly) pick a lock in record time. The worst they did was steal and smoke pot. None of them _really_ lived the life Naruto did, what he went through, and would have taken his lie with ease. But Kiba knew where he came from, what he was, and the kind of street smarts he had. It was easier playing dumb to mask his past, easier to forget, and healthier for everyone. It was his choice, unfortunately under detrimental circumstances, to change the path he was going down.

He didn't regret it, he never would, but he did regret the things that happened to make him get there. It still pisses him off at the little shit he was, how he treated the people that cared for him, but it was water under the bridge. So, he couldn't bluff with the lock, even _if_ he really couldn't unlock it, because Kiba knew how to pick locks too. Naruto was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and he thought exactly what kind of "hard place" he was caught in. His hand jerked, bending the paper clip, and got it stuck. He tugged on it, yanked and jerked to pull it out, and smiled at his good fortune. Maybe there was a God. Frowning in pseudo-frustration, Naruto "psst-ed" and jerked his head to his hands. "I think it's stuck."

Kiba frowned and looked around again. Bending down he shifted places with Naruto and grabbed the thin metal, pulled on it, and huffed. Naruto looked up and down the hallway and checked his phone: fifteen to seven. The corridor was empty except for the occasional late student, and scratched his neck. Since when did the warning bell go off? He didn't even hear it. Kiba hissed and yanked his hand back, flicking the pain away. Naruto glanced out of the corner of his eye and slipped his phone back into his pocket. "Told you."

Kiba checked his fingers and grimaced at the red indentation. "How the fuck did you do that?"

"I dunno," he shrugged, dancing on the inside, "it just happened."

Kiba muttered and looked over his shoulder. "Well, that was the only clip I had," he whispered. "We'll have to think of something else."

"No problem," Naruto reassured, clapping Kiba's shoulder. "We can think of something during lunch," and by that time he was sure his friend's attention span will make him forget in no time. Naruto was so happy he could dance. Looks like his screw up won't screw him in the ass after all. He softened at the disappointed frown and pursed his lips. "Look, we can always get someone else," he offered. "It doesn't have to be the new kid."

"But it's tradition," Kiba whined.

Shit, Naruto thought, he was right. Usually, when a new kid turned around, they would mess with whoever it was for kicks and giggles. It was a dick move, he knew that, but he ran out of fucks to give. He wasn't going to lie, he enjoyed pulling pranks, always did as a kid, having the laughter and seeing the reaction. He prided himself on his tricks. Their pranks were clean, never made to hurt anyone – they fully agreed on that – the worst being the stink bomb. The baddest reaction they received was a freshman crying.

To their credit they felt like shit afterwards fully knowing it was wrong to pick on a freshman girl. The week long detention and chewing from Iruka was punishment enough to never do _that_ again, but it still gave him free reign on the others. Boys were freestyle, all grades acceptable, and while some people may see it as sexist, they were gentleman through and through. No clique was discriminated against, the nerds, jocks, music geeks, drama club, miscellaneous hoppers that were friends with more than one group, all were attacked at one point by their games. They did it so much, did it so often, that everyone expected each year for their big prank on either a new kid, or on a certain clique.

Yeah, they got into a lot of fights because of it, both parties making up excuses (they had dirt on everyone), and rarely got caught because of it. ISS for a week was from his freshman year (he made the mistake of going into the girls' locker room and filling their lockers with bugs). While it was widely appreciated amongst his fellow male classmates, it did not abode well by the principal, or Iruka (he could still feel the handprints). They built a name for themselves, both good and bad (more so bad), and Naruto _knew_ they had to pull _something_. The last thing he needed was the jocks seeing his slack and using it for ammunition. Muscle-headed idiots always gave them the biggest problem, all those steroids fucking their brains, and thought it was funny to try and bully him. He nipped that in the bud from freshman year with that nasty fight with the asshole that had the bad hair dye (really, white?). While it didn't exactly stop their pettiness, it toned down their snipes compared to, for example, Lee Rock. Poor kid didn't even know what was said behind his back.

He remembered in his sophomore year being pissed for some reason – he couldn't remember – and heard the bullshit. Something about looking like fag, or something, and he just snapped. Got into a nasty argument with some douche, got in the guy's face, was about to throw down, when Lee (surprise, surprise) pulled him back. Lee thanked him for sticking up for him, saying how he didn't have to, but told him he could take care of himself. He was embarrassed, but he gained a friend. Unfortunately, it only made the comments worse, and Naruto being the stubborn guy he was still chewed the bastards out. It never got to that one point again, though. He sometimes wondered if Lee really _didn't_ hear the smack talked behind his back, or decided to ignore it, and if he really thought _all of that green_ was socially acceptable.

He shifted on his feet in panic. Kiba was right, it _was_ tradition, and because it was tradition Naruto was royally fucked. What was he going to do?

**Beta'd by your mom (I'm just kidding).**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Warm Welcomes: Part I**

**A/N: Sorry for the late update. This should have been posted Saturday (because that's when updates will happen), but I had to play makeshift plumber this weekend. Funny right? **

**Have a Merry Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, and a Happy New Year y'all.**

**Thanks to those who review, follow, and/or favorite. Constructive criticism is appreciated. **

**Remember, I like your ass.**

He was infinitely pissed.

He was so pissed, so infuriated, that there was no way he could get even more pissed because he was at that level of pissed. He was so pissed, so mad, so angry, so _enraged_ that his body could barely move, barely speak, and barely blink. He was so pissed, P.O.-ed, ticked off, that all he could see was that bastard's smug smirk blaring like neon signs in his head. He was so mad – oh, he was so mad – that he didn't even hear his friends calling him; he didn't know how quick he moved across the lunch room. All he could remember was at one second he was with his friends, and the other second he was tackling that asshole to the ground.

And here he thought this guy was actually good looking. He must have been high off of something.

_First period…_

What was he going to do?

"How about pulling the screws from his desk? I'm sure we could track him down."

Naruto coughed into his fist. How about forgetting the whole thing and joining a nunnery? It's okay if he was a man, they would accept him. He was a Catholic anyways; said his prayers before dinner, went to church like the good innocent boy he was. They would see his devotion and take him with wide open arms. It would be perfect: no annoying new kids and no pranks. He'd die a happy old virgin with the wrinkly dick.

He cleared his throat and slipped his hands into his pockets. The cool metal of his keys chilled his fingertips as he fondled with it. "How about something smaller?"

Kiba pursed his lips and crossed his arms. "Smaller?" he echoed. "Like how?"

Naruto chewed the inside of his cheek, gnawing off skin and pulling it with his tongue. "Something smaller" could have meant a lot of things: whoopee cushion, gum stuck to bottom of a seat, whip cream, filling a locker – anything. Those were just a fraction of ideas from their archive of pranks; they were creative, which was the problem because it left no room. If he went too soft – like the whoopee cushion – Kiba would bust his balls for it. If he went too hard – like the stink bomb – it would ruin any kind of good thoughts the new kid had of him (not that he cared…at all). Either way there was going to be a prank or he was going to look like a pussy. Fuck him for thinking this was ever funny; karma was a whore. He didn't even know _why_ he even cared this much. Since when did he contemplate and ponder over doing something like a prank? This was high school, the most insignificant part in a person's life, and would be forgotten by next week. Besides, it wasn't like he was ever going to be friends with the new kid. Really, look at that style. What a dork.

He ran a hand through his wild blonde hair, scratching his scalp in thought. It more thinking how he could get out of the mess he got into rather than a prank. For some reason, it just didn't sit right in his stomach picking on the new kid – gave him gas.

Scratching the back of his neck, Naruto twisted his mouth and looked off to the side. How would Kiba take it if he told him he didn't want to? He snorted. Who was he kidding? He knew _exactly_ how Kiba would react. Hell, he was shocked Kiba wasn't saying anything about his attitude right now. All of the awkwardness he was giving off, his body language, the obviousness of his avoidance, Naruto was squirming in his clothes. It wouldn't take long before he would have to say the truth about how he "felt" about picking on the new kid. It wasn't even the fact that he thought the kid was good looking – that was normal (right?). It was the fact that he wanted to _do_ things to the new kid (not that he _would_). The way his stomach flipped, the way his body had the urge to plunge into spontaneous sex; the feelings were unhealthy for his sanity. He wasn't gay dammit!

Kiba squinted his eyes and sniffed. Naruto tensed and squared his shoulders, dropping his arm to press stiffly into his side. He tried to keep a neutral expression despite his pits heating up. This was it, he was going to have to confess why he being a little bitch, why the new kid happened to be the exception. He breathed in through his nose puffing up his chest, and held it in anticipation. Kiba leaned in a little, sharp eyes searching his face, and scrunched his nose. "Dude," he said, "do you have to take a piss?"

Naruto, for the life of him, had to laugh because his friend was the dumbest guy he knew.

Kiba's eyebrows rose before he scowled. "Hey! What's so funny?!"

Naruto knew he was blessed. If it was anyone else he would have suffered through the worst conversation in his life. Honestly, his luck was one bi-polar son of a bitch. He shook his head and wiped his eye. "Nothing, let's go to class."

Kiba sniffed and shifted his mauled book bag higher on his shoulder. "Whatever. But we're going to prank the new kid, right?"

Naruto faltered and tripped slightly on his foot. He paused for a moment, licked his dry lips, and opened his mouth. "Yeah, sure. We'll talk about it at lunch." His stomach dropped at the excited gleam that brightened Kiba's face and decided it would be better if he skipped lunch today.

"Great! We'll give him a warm welcome."

Naruto chuckled nervously and half-heartedly pounded fists with his best friend. "Hell, yeah. Gotta show that classic Konoha High School spirit." Kiba snickered and smacked his back, waved, and he watched his friend turn in the opposite direction. He chewed off the dead skin on his bottom lip and clutched onto the strap of his book bag. What were the odds of the new kid being in his first class?

The worn out hallway was empty and desolate like his sex like: abandoned. His footsteps echoed down the fluorescent lighted corridors, the cheap light bulbs being the only thing keeping the place from looking like an abyss, and he walked faster. Old murals from ten years ago were hung or painted on random spots throughout the halls, colors dulled and chipped. Some he had to appreciate, being a hobbyist drawer himself, and some he laughed at with Kiba. Like, for example, whose idea was it to paint a picture of anime characters? The crack of his ass was a masterpiece compared to that.

The loud voice of his teacher boomed through the door and he checked his crumpled schedule. He had to print it out at the school's library as soon as he got in forgetting to do so the night before…and the whole month it was posted online. What? Procrastination was a specialty of his.

Nervous and a little high off of anticipation, he pressed his back to the door and sneakily peered through the narrow tiny window. This was for precautionary action – for safety. One could never be _too_ careful, you know? Really, he wasn't pissing his pants. You could check his underwear; clean as a whistle. There was no real reason to do this, and honestly if anyone caught him they'd think he was high.

Frantically he searched the room, heart pounding in his ears, stuck between apprehension and excitement. What would he do if the new kid _was_ in his class? (He would do nothing.) How would he react? (There was nothing to 'react' to.) Will they talk? (As _if_ he'd waste his breath on the noob.) Does the new kid like to talk to people? (The guy looked like he hated oxygen for invading his personal space.) From the way the guy walked earlier, Naruto got the impression that the new kid wasn't friendly (define 'friendly'). Kind of like a "talk to me and you die" kind of feeling. He didn't like how his body seemed to buzz taking it as a challenge – which it _wasn't_. Even _if_ the new kid was in his class he wouldn't talk to him. Naruto Uzumaki was too cool for him, had too much clout to talk to some dweeb with the ugly hair-do. It should be the new kid wanting to talk to _him_.

His heart twisted and broke a few of his ribs when he looked towards the back. In all of his stupid glory there was the new kid, sitting in the back, haircut and all.

A few things happened in succession in those few seconds Naruto stood there: first, his palms began to get clammy. Second, his shoulders tensed so hard it hurt, his breath stuttered, knees wobbled, tongue go dry, and the hairs on his body stood on end. Third, his mind blanked, like someone clicked the 'delete' button, and everything of five minutes ago was like a brief gust of wind – all blown away.

He couldn't hear his name being called repeatedly, couldn't feel his classmates stare at him, couldn't process how stupid he looked with eyes the size of saucers and mouth open. All he saw, all he focused on, was how the new kid, looking like some kind of sex god, was looking out the window with the meanest frown. The sun was shining high in the morning, all yellow and sunny and shit, and the rays poured through the large windows the home ec. room. A few years back the room used to be an art room, the natural light perfect for drawing and painting, but then the school received enough money from the budget cuts to expand the building. All art, construction, and a few foreign languages were moved into the new hallway; the home ec and music rooms replaced where they were.

So, there he was. Mr. Sexy with the goddamn sunlight lighting his skin like some kind of photoshopped picture; all glowy and shit – kind of poetic. It drove him insane that he could look that good and look so _miserable_. And there was Naruto, drooling like some desperate dog in heat. God, save him.

He jumped and stumbled into the room when the door was wrenched open angrily. He choked on a yelp, surprised, and grabbed the tiny table by the door. His knees bent inwardly, chicken-footed, and he inhaled when his side jabbed into the corner of the table. He looked up gaping, red faced, and sputtered at his teacher's scowl. Looking pissed as ever, the middle aged wrinkles of his teacher pinched reminding Naruto of a raisin; the sneer was unattractively burning holes through his skull.

Terrified of looking at you-know-who, Naruto preferred locking with the eyes that blazed 'death.' He smiled nervously and chuckled weakly.

Mr. Stern sniffed and crossed his arms. "Look who dropped in."

The class burst into laughter. Everyone was smiling at him, pointing fingers, and whispering in each other's ears. Naruto felt his cheeks inflame, internally dying from embarrassment, and knew how lame he looked. His ears burned something fierce and his face flushed. He began to laugh with them, keeping up pretenses, smiled and scratched his cheek bashfully. The less he looked like he was close to finding the nearest frying pan and bludgeoning himself with, the better.

A prominent vein formed in his teacher's forehead, neck bulging with the strong muscles it bore, arms twitching, shoulders a flat plane, and jaw ticking. He looked scary enough to take on a bear and drop kick it to the next state. He looked more of a pro-wrestler than a home ec. teacher who baked tiny cakes. Those biceps could snap Naruto's neck.

Mr. Stern growled lowly, menacingly, and Naruto refrained from shielding his throat. "Uzumaki…"

"Before you say anything," Naruto explained, "I have a good excuse."

His teacher sneered and tilted his chin up. "What?"

"I lost my schedule and I had to ask where the class was."

Mr. Stern threw his head back and barked in laughter; Naruto flinched at the raspy sound. "And you really think I'm supposed to believe that? Then explain why you were staring outside of my door for about five minutes. I called your name about four times!"

Naruto's hand twitched and he cleared his throat; blinked a few times. "R-Really?"

"_Yes_," Mr. Stern hissed. "Now get to your seat before I send you to the principal's office!"

Naruto froze and swallowed. He didn't look around, didn't know if it was safe, so he shifted on his feet and shoved his hands in his pockets. He guessed there _was_ a couple of seats for him, or at least that's what he saw when he scanned the room, but it was as safe as Kiba's gym socks. The possibility of sitting with _him_ terrified the shit out of Naruto. He prayed they didn't sit at the same table. He licked his lips. "Where exactly is that?"

His teacher pointed over his left shoulder, and while that could have meant anywhere in that direction, Naruto's insides quivered and shriveled. "Table seven, right in front of Uchiha."

'Uchiha'? What was that? Was that something he could eat? Can he 'Google' it? He's never heard of an 'Uchiha' before. He must have been in the wrong class. He'll just apologize and quickly walk out like nothing happened. He was human, these things happened, everyone makes mistakes a few times in their lives, no big deal. He wasn't perfect, they would understand, his teacher looked like a decent guy.

"_Now_!"

Naruto turned abruptly and felt his stomach axe-kick his kidney straight to his ass. He looked to the back of the room where the sun's rays were illuminating the area in a picture of brightness, and met the eyes of the new kid. His stomach lurched, his throat constricted, his tongue plummeted down his esophagus, and he clenched his teeth. The new kid stared at him, almost bored, cheek mushed against a long pale fist, bangs all in those irritatingly attractive features, and looked away. Naruto bit down on his tongue and clenched his bag's strap like a lifeline. Everyone watched him as he walked, knowing the new kid would be pranked by the end of the school day, and he swallowed the nasty taste in his mouth. His eyes wouldn't leave the new kid, like they were glued against his will, and he pulled out his chair slowly – the sound louder than normal – and sat down with a resounding _thud_.

His hands fiddled in his lap, his leg bounced, he chewed on his lip like it was food; he looked everywhere _but_ straight. He was so confused why he was so nervous, so frustrated how he was reacting, and frustrated at being frustrated. He glanced up at the new kid, just for the hell of it, and his neck blazed seeing the guy so close. Usually, when you looked at someone from far away you can't really see the little flaws when you're up close. The occasional discoloring of skin or the little bump on the cheek, or the powder of poorly applied foundation, or how a person's teeth weren't as white as you thought. No one was perfect, that was how life was; that's how humans were made. So someone tell him how the hell this guy looked even better up close?!

He couldn't for the life of him see at least _one_ flaw, one disfigurement, _one_ mark on the guy's face. It was like puberty was never introduced to him. Naruto had great skin, he took pride in his body and took care of it, and he liked the way he looked. Seriously, look at him! He was freaking _scorching; _the image of a Californian beauty. Blonde, blue-eyed, tan with a body chiseled to perfection – he made straight guys gay, but he went through the misery years of middle school. Acne, voice cracking, body odor, rocking the pedo-stache because it was the first traces of machismo on his scrawny ass – the whole she-bang. But this guy…this infuriatingly good looking loser looked like he never saw a pimple in his life. He wouldn't be surprised if the guy didn't know what a pimple was.

"Now that the _distraction_ is done, let's look over the curriculum. First quarter we'll be learning the kitchen and cooking skills like sifting, mincing, how to properly knead a bread…"

Naruto slumped in his seat and slipped out his phone. He checked if anyone at their table was looking and quickly typed a text to Kiba.

'_U cnnt believe whos in my class.'_

He stared at his message, green bubble behind the text, and wiped his nose with his knuckle. He didn't have to come to the class, he could have easily skipped like he usually did, but he _was_ on probation so…but still! It's not like he cared before what his school record said with all the stuff he pulled. His grades were decent, his attendance was okay, and he was passing his classes (barely), some more than others. He was going to attend some community college, get a nine-to-five job and live his life as your average middle-class American. Go figure. So its not like he should be freaking out about what college or what he's going to be or what he's going to do in life. His life was already planned out.

Naruto glanced up and bit on his tongue _hard_ when the new kid looked away from him.

What? What was that? Was the new kid looking at him? No, impossible, the guy has been a statue the whole time he's been there. There was no reason for him to look at Naruto. It was probably just a trick of the mind from his nerves. Naruto shifted in his seat and rolled his shoulders. His phone vibrated in his hand and he opened it:

'_Sakura?'_

Naruto's body tingled at the thought. Aw, man. If _only_ Sakura was in his class. The chick was babe-on-a-stick and then some. Sexiest girl he's known since elementary with the body of a porn star and a feisty attitude. He's been trying since middle school trying to get her to go out with him. She acts like she doesn't want him but everyone knows she likes the attention. Don't worry, he's been wearing her down over the years. Plus, with the nice little growth spurt he had he's practically the sexiest guy there. He likes it when they play hard-to-get, likes the challenge.

And she was the only challenge Naruto saw. Nothing else. Nope.

Watch, give him about three months and he'll have Sakura _begging_ to go out with him. He's so close anyways.

He typed back to Kiba. _'If only.. this is the yr whn she gives in tho.'_

The response was immediate. _'Ha. Yah right. whn pigs fly.'_

Naruto pursed his lips. Honestly, Sakura _was_ going to go out with him this year. He could almost _taste_ it. _'Srsly dude?have faith in my.'_

Oh shit, he thought, typo. The last time he made a typo Kiba gave him crap about it the whole conversation. His thumbs flew over the keyboard before Kiba had the chance to bust his balls about it. _'*me.'_

'_Aw. So close.'_

'_Haha asshole.'_

'_bt seriously. Whos there?'_

Naruto breathed out slowly through his nose and slumped in his seat some more. God, kill him if the new kid saw he was talking about him. He's already embarrassed himself enough to commit suicide.

He licked his lips. _'our victim.' _And he twisted his mouth at the way that sounded; he was terrible. Confused _and_ terrible. Already first period and he experienced a year's worth of drama. Maybe he should join that nunnery after all. Teach him some morals.

His heart jumped at the vibration. _'Exxxcellent. Perfect to prank.'_

'_What're u thinkin?'_

'_Disablin the deat?'_

'_*seat?'_

Naruto fingers moved by themselves while his in his mind he was screaming "no."

'_I can do it before school ends today. We wont be able to prank him today bt we cn do it tomrrw.'_

'_Thts fine. Mke sure u record it.'_

'_As always.'_

Naruto stared at his screen until it got black. The feeling in his stomach made him sick.

"And the table you are sitting at will be your group for the whole school year."

Naruto whipped around in his seat with bugging eyes. _What?! _He's stuck with _who_?!

"No phones in class, dickless."

Naruto tensed and flared his nostrils. Oh no. Not _him_.

He turned slowly and groaned at the completely fake smile. He sneered and glared at one of the worst people he's met in his life. "G-fucking-reat. What hole did you crawl out of?"

"Yours."

Naruto, disgusted, scowled and slipped his phone in his pocket. "The fuck? Can't even say 'hi' you freaky bastard?"

Sai's creepy smile grew and glanced at Naruto's pocket. "Not when you were so busy talking to dog boy."

Naruto's blood chilled and his insides cracked. He couldn't have saw. His face must have shown something because Sai's creepy smile went from 'freaky' to 'obsessed-serial killer-stalker freaky' that sent chills down his spine. Naruto clenched his jaw and sent a dangerous warning through his eyes. Sai wasn't stupid, he knew a warning – especially from Naruto – when he saw one and he respected it. He wasn't that big of a dick. Besides, he's never stopped one of their pranks before or tried to blackmail them.

Sai's smile diluted a bit, but was still there. Naruto was bending backwards when those creepy dark eyes looked to you-know-who and looked back to Naruto.

"Interesting, dickless. Didn't know you swung that-"

The door clicked open softly and the nervous apologetic tone of someone Naruto knew reverberated through his chest.

"S-Sorry, sir. My car stalled and I had to have my mom drive me here. The traffic was terrible,"

No way.

"Do you at least have a note from attendance?"

"Yes, right here."

No fucking way.

A shuffling of feet and paper and then a moment of pause. "Alright, you're cleared. Table number seven, next to Uchiha."

Shiny flats clacked against the tiled ground quickly, clothes rustled against a tiny pink knap sack, short pink hair flowed, and bright green eyes widened in surprise – but not at Naruto.

Sakura faltered, her face completely taken aback, her mouth agape, her cheeks flushed, her demeanor completely different. Naruto watched in horrified agony as Sakura ducked her head and tucked her hair behind her ear while she shyly scooted into the chair next to _him_, moved in a little closer, and glanced at 'Uchiha' girlishly. Not like how she looked at Naruto, punched him harder than any guy he's felt, spat and cursed like a goddamned sailor, sneered and yelled like man, lifted weights that most of the girls in their grade wouldn't even _touch_. He's never seen her act like that: so…_girly_. And all she did was look at the bastard in front of him.

Naruto's heart stuttered when Sakura looked up at him and jumped; she didn't notice him. Her eyebrows narrowed and her pretty pink lips curled into a nasty frown.

"Make sure you make friends with your group. You're going to need to be able to communicate and distribute the duties evenly between the four of you."

_Fuck_.

**Beta'd by me because I have that kind of swag. **


End file.
